He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
