I feel great
I just peed on a car
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
