Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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