there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
