Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
