it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
