I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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