i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My balls are so social today.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
