I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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