At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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