Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
