So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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