YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
