i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
