Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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