dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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