you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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