Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
