and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
