DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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