I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
