there's paper in my vomit.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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