Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
