I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
