..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
