My sheets look like a crime scene.
she woke up with a sticky ear
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
