He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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