i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We have so much sex to catch up on
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
