when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We just shotgunned beers for America
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
