remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
