If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
