I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
