Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize