He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
