I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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