apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
