they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Randomize
