We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
