i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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