Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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