I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
