I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
