there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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