The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
