ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
