i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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