Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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