imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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