I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
