i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
