When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
