If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize