Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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