Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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