today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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