People in love make me want to vomit
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
