is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize