my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
