Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
