You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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