highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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