I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
