i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
