It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
