If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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