I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
