I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
