I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
