In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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