Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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