ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My boob is missing a layer of skin
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
